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My...God...nearly a year in the corps and IF THIS IS NOT THE SORRIEST BUNCH OF RECRUITS I HAVE EVER SEEN, WELL THAN MY JESUS CHRIST, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, STRIKE ME DOWN RIGHT HERE WHERE I STAND... well, im still talking, WICH MUST MEAN THAT JESUS IS WITH ME ON THIS ONE. THERE IS ONLY ONE HOPE FOR YOU SORRY SACKS OF DOG TREATS TO SURVIVE IN A PLATFORMING GAME, THAT THAT'S TO LISTEN TO ME, SO LISTEN CLOSE.

FROM THIS DAY FOURTH YOU MAY EAT IN YOUR RANKS, YOU MAY SHOWER IN YOUR RANKS, YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS IN YOUR RANKS...AHEM...BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE PLAYING A PLATFORMING GAME ALONE. PLATFORMERS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE FUN TO WATCH, THEY ARE MEANT FOR THE FUN AND THE EXCITEMENT OF YOU, THE PLAYER, NOT THE SPECTATOR.

NOW I DON'T CARE HOW MANY HOURS YOU'VE PLAYED FINAL FANTASY IN ONE SITTING, I DON'T CARE HOW FAR YOU'VE GOTTEN IN HALO WITHOUT DYING. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME UNLESS YOU CAN JUMP THAT GAP ONTO THE ELEVATED PLATFORM BEFORE THAT TIMER GOES AND YOUR GAME IS OVER QUICKER THAN FAWLTY TOWERS DURATION AS A SERIES!

THAT IS WHAT A PLATFORMING GAME IS, IT'S PERCISION! IF YOU JUMP TOO SOON, YOU WILL DIE. IF YOU JUMP TOO LATE YOU WILL DIE... IF YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN PRIVATE, YOU WILL DIE.

YOUR MISSION IS CLEAR IN ALL PLATFORMERS, GET OUT OF THE LEVEL. THERE MAY BE ITEMS TO PICK UP. PICK THEM UP, OTHER WISE YOU HAVE NOT COMPLETED THE MISSION AND YOU HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN... WITH A REDUCED LIFELINE.

GENERAL MARIO IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF A GOOD PLATFORMER. SIMPLY DESIGNED YET SO DIFFICULT AT TIMES YOU'D QUESTION YOUR CREDIBILITY AS A HUMAN BEING. QUITE SIMPLY, YOU HAVE A GOAL AND THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO ACOMPLISH SAID GOAL. HOWEVER, TO OBTAIN YOUR GOAL YOU MUST FIND THAT WAY AND THE WAY MAY NOT BE AS SIMPLISTIC AS YOU MAY THINK. THE DESIGNERS OF GAMES LIKE MARIO ARE CREATIVE WHEN MAKING THE GAME, THUSLY YOU MUST BE EQUALLY CREATIVE TO BEAT THE GAME. LOOK AROUND, TIME WILL BE A FACTOR AND THE ANSWER MAY NOT BE INFRONT OF YOU BUT RATHER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LARGE TERRAIN. FOR YEARS THIS HAS BEEN THE STANDARD OF A GOOD PLATFOMER.

CAPTAIN SONIC IS ANOTHER FINE EXAMPLE. NO QUESTS, NO FETCHING. IT'S JUST YOU MAKING THE RIGHT MOVE AT THE RIGHT TIME. THIS IS A FINE EXAMPLE OF A PLATFORMER. HERE YOU DON'T HAVE ALL @#%$ DAY TO SIT AROUND WHISTLING DIXIE GUESSING YOUR NEXT MOVE. YOU REACT NOW AND IF YOU DON'T YOUR DEAD! YOUR EYES AND THUMBS ARE YOUR FELLOW TEAM MATES. THEY WILL OBEY YOUR COMMANDS WITHOUT HESITATION. THIS IS GOOD IN THE SENSE THAT YOU MAKE YOUR MOVE AND IT'S FOLLOWD THROUGHT. THIS IS BAD IN THE SENS THAT YOU CAN/ ARE STUPID AND WILL MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITHOUT A CHANCE TO TAKE IT BACK.

SUCH CASES CAN BE FRUSTRATING. YOU WILL WANT TO QUIT. BUT YOU WILL NOT QUIT. WHY WON'T YOU WUIT, PRIVATE?
"Sir! Platfromers are fun, Sir!"
Well saddle my ass and ride me to Texas- WE GOT A GODDAMNED GENIUS IN YOUR MIDST. IT'S LIKE ALBERT GODDAMNED EINSTIEN JUMPED RIGHT OUT OF HIS GRAVE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME SON?
"Sir! Priva-"
NOT ANYMORE! FROM NOW ON YOUR NAME IS PRIVATE SNOWBALL. DO YOU LIKE THAT NAME?
"Sir, yes Sir!"
WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE PRIVATE SNOWBALL! PLATFOMERS ARE EASY TO MAKE YET HARD TO IMPROVE. ALL IT TAKES TO MAKE A PLATFORMER ARE LARGE LEVELS, NORMALLY ONE OF WICH IS A VOLCANO OR SNOW LEVEL, SOME MUSIC YOU WILL BE ASHAMED IF SOMEONE CAUGHT YOU DOWNLOADING IT AND A FUZZY ANIMAL CHARACTER. SUGGESTIONS NOT YET TAKEN ARE A DOG, RAT, HAMSTER OR OPPOSUM.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT FEW MEN ACTUALLY PUT AN EFFORT INTO THERE CREATIONS. IT TOOK SIX YEARS FOR BRAVE SOLDIERS LIKE PRIVATE SLY COOPER TO PULL OF SOMETHING NEW... TOO BAD HE STOLE THE BATTLE MEMO'S OF ONE METAL GEAR SOLID. A GOOD PLATFORMER IS HARD TO FIND BUT A FAMOUS ONE IS EASIER TO FIND THAN A COMPUTER GEEK AT E3.

PRIVATE SNOWBALL WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
"Sir! Platformers are fun. That making a platformer is easy. That most platformers aren't very original. That Sonic, Mario and Sly Cooper are good examples of platformers. Sir!"
WELL I'LL BE GODDA-IS THAT A NOBEL PRIZE IN YOUR POCKET PRIVATE SNOWBALL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO BE AROUND SO MANY OTHER MEN IN UNIFORM? THAT IS HALF CORRECT. YOU LEFT OUT THE TYPES OF PLATFORMERS.

WE'VE ALREADY GONE OVER THE STRAIGHT FORWARD RUN AND JUMP GENRE. NOW LET'S LOOK AT ACTION, STRATEGIC AND MULTIPLAYER.

AN ACTION PLATFORMER HAS THE SAME BASIC COMPONENTS AS THE RUN AND JUMP PLATFORMER, ONLY IT COMES EQUPIT WITH CONTEXT SENSITIVE CONTROLS. WICH MEANS THE BATTLE PLAN CHANGES AND YOUR TERRAIN CHANGES. YOU COME ACROSS A THORNY VALLY, YOUR RUN CHANGES TO A BELLY CRAWL. FIND A NEW WEAPON OR VEHICLE AND YOUR SITUATION CHANGES YET AGAIN. AN ACTION PLATFORMER MAY HAVE ONE MISSION THAT HAS STEPS INTO PROGRESSING INTO THE NEXT LEVEL AS OPPOSED TO MANY SMALLER PUZZLES AND MISSIONS TO KEEP YOU BUSY OR DISTRACT YOU FROM YOUR MAIN MISSION USUALLY FOUND IN MARIO GAMES. A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THIS WOULD BE SERGENT CONKER. HE'LL GLADLY RETELL YOU HIS GLORIFYING BAD FUR DAY JUST AS SOON AS HE'S BACK FROM PUB NIGHT AT THE MESS HALL.

STRATEGIC PLATFROMERS GIVE YOU A KEY GAMEPLAY ELEMENT THAT REQUIRES AMMUNITION OR ITMES TO WORK, AND EVERYTIME YOU USE SUCH WEAPON YOU LOOSE SOME OF YOUR AMMO. THUSLY YOU MUST CHOOSE WISELY HOW OFTEN YOU USE YOUR ITEM AND WHEN. WE ARE GETTING NEW TROOPS FROM THE FORT OF RATCHET AND CLANK WHO USE JUST THAT ELEMENT. LISTEN TO THEM AND OBEY THERE INSTRUCTIONS. GENERAL MARIO IS ANOTHER GOOD EXAMPLE OF STRATEGIC PLATFROMERS AS HE ENCOUNTED SUCH A SITUATION WHILE VACATIONING IN SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE.

MULTIPLAYER IS NOT A TYPE OF PLATFORMER NOR IS IT A NEW TREND. THOUGH WE HAVE SEEN SOME NEW CASES WHERE MULTIPLAYER IS INCLUDED INTO THE PLATFORMER PACKAGE. AVOID THESE AT ALL COSTS! THERE ARE GAMES SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR MULTIPLAYER, LIKE FPS, FIGHTING AND RACING. AND THEN THERE ARE PLATFORMERS. FUN TO PLAY, BAD TO WATCH... REALLY BAD TO PLAY IN GROUPES. MOST MULTIPLAYER OPTIONS FEATURED IN PLATFORMER GAMES FEATURE POORLY DESIGNED LEVELS WITH LITTLE DIVERSITY. MOSTLY YOUR MISSION IS TO KILL THE ENEMY ON SIGHT... RUN AROUND UNTIL YOU FIND SOMETHING AND KILL IT IS WHAT THEY EXPECT YOU TO DO... ONLY THIS TIME THE OPPONENT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU AND YOUR SHARING HALF THE SCREEN. aS FOR MULTIPLAYER AI, AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS. AI IN PLATFORMER MULTIPLAYER IS SO AWFUL YOU'D THINK THAT HELLEN GODDAMNED KELLER WOULD PUT UP A BETTER FIGHT. NO PLATFROMER OUTSIDE OF CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY HAS FEATURED A GOOD ENOUGH MULTIPLAYER GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN MY CORP.

PLATFORMERS ARE 99% MENTAL AND 1% PHYSCIAL. USE YOUR BRAIN ASSUMING YOU GOT ONE JUDGE YOUR DISTANCE AND ACCURACY AS YOU MAKE THAT JUMP OR TO ESTIMATE HOW MUCH DAMAGE YOU HAVE TO COVER WITHOUT WASTING TOO MUCH AMUNITION. YOU HAVE LEARNED THAT PLATFORMERS ARE NOT EASY. BUT YOU WILL BE A PLATFORMING MACHINE. YOU WILL BE A HARDCORE FAN OF FUZZY ANIMALS. YOU WILL BE SO BAD THAT THE GODDAMNED PRICNE OF DARKNESS, SATAN HIMSELF, WILL BE HONORED TO GET DOWN ON HIS HANDS AND KNESS AND KISS THE GROUND YOU WALK ON. THIS IS A GOOD FEELING, BUT IT'S NOT THE BEST FEELING. PRIVATE SNOWBALL, WHAT ARE PLATFORMERS ALL ABOUT?
"Sir! Having fun, Sir!"
YOUR DAMN RIGHT THEY'RE FUN, REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANY GRABASTIC UNORGANIZED PIECES OF TURD OF AN 18 YEAR OLD TELLS YOU. MOST PLATFORMERS ARE REATED 'E' FOR EVERYONE, MEANING EVERYONE SHOULD ENJOY IT, AND USUALLY DO. THOSE WHO DO NOT ENJOY IT HAVE NOT PLAYED IT.

THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. SO GET OFF YOUR TWO FLABBY SEAT CUSHIONS AND CREATE YOUR OWN PLATFORMER! DIS-MISSED!

Im going to get a Goddamned losenge for my throat.