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MAN am I sure as hell glad that Pop music (Or POPular music as it's formally known) has run it's course. That entire genre of music dominated the entire decade of the nineties weither we liked it or not. As I look back at all the "Earth shattering" developments and headlines pop icons made throuhout it's years I can't help but laugh. Laugh at the hordes of pretentious and narrow-minded teens, pre-teens and even a few hundred pathetic tweens who caused an uproar everytime Teen people said the guy from Backstreet boys was hotter than the guy from N*Sync. Most people aren't aware of just how stupid pop music really is. Let me refresh your memory.

Pop music is (Im sorry, WAS) all about telling you what you should be listening too. Some parents got their bonnets too close to a beehive and started complaining about all the rap music and satanic worshiping heavy rock music on the air waves. What were the bigwigs at the record companies to do? Limmit how many bands they would sponsor? Enforce stricter censorship rules? No. They thought the best thing to do would be to formulate a genre of music in wich they could have complete creative control over. Control over what the singers looked like, what they wore, what kinds of songs they would sing, how they would sing it, who'd they'd be singing to, what they'd sound like singing it...especially what they'd sound like singing it. Pop music took away the inspiration of struggling musiceans everywhere, the bigshots at the top did all the creative (IE. Socially appropriate) work for the singers and all the marionette had to do was stand on stage wearing next to nothing shouting a "WOO-HOO" and "I LOVE Y'ALL TOO" in between pre-recorded empty air.

And you know what the saddest part was? We bought it! Suddenly our meaning in life was to adoringly scream at snazzy dressers as they do-se-doed on stage telling us how much they loved their baby...and guess what? Apparently AJ from "Joe BoyBands" ideal baby was an overweight grade eight with bracces the size of a shark cage! Sample idea of what im talking about: It's April 2002, a newspaper front page has a small blurb about the war in Afghanistan right under the much more important announcement that J.Lo was getting married again.

Im ashamed to be apart of the same species that anxiously awaited the latest Brittany/Justin relationship update. Are they past first base? Have they slept in the same bed since they moved in together? Why are we so caught-up in someone elses sex life as if they were two pandas at the zoo? And if you're reading this thinking to yourself "That's funny 'cause it's true" you need to get yourself a hobby. It's unfortunate because it's true, not funny.

Well pop has finally popped at we have only two types of people to blame: Members of Boy bands...and what the hell, Brittany "BS" Spears. In the eyes of men, Backstreet boys and N*Sync were a bunch of wusses, sissies and fruitcakes. I wouldn't have thought it possible but N*Sync and Backstreet boys managed to out-do themselves by making them look more pathetic. Now not only were they a bunch of look a-like stooges (And what better way to impress the laddies than to do some well-coreographed dance routienes with your buddies) but now they were a bunch of look a-like stooges with long hair trying to be black people...who apparently can't grow their own facial hair. The Boyband formula should have been enough to destroy pop music all together, I mean dya think these guys could have sang with their arms tied behind their backs? Let's find out, and while we're at it, let's kick 'em a few times!

But if you really wanted to find an allegory for pop music (It's rise and it's fall nine years later) just look at Brittany Spears...and a few years ago you didn't have a choice. Here's a shortened version of Ms. Spears carrer. Parent's worried that a 16 year old girl dressed as a skimpy schoolgirl was not a good role model for their kids*. So in an effort to save herself she pipped up a defence...something along the lines of "It's okay, im a virgin. It's natural for me to express my body this way because im just discovering it." So some how virginity was some sort of 'Get out of jail free card' allowing her to do anything she wanted to without worrying about what others thought about her. So for the next few years her defence for all comments about her were "Im a virgin" then suddenly Brittany suddenly asked reporters a question "Why is everyone so interested about my virginity?" Gee I dunno, maybe because YOU MADE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! Soon enough people began commenting on how she moves and what she looks like. "If you don't like how I look don't look at me" It's kinda hard not to look when you're on 30ft billboards wearing a shower curtain held up by carpet tape. Yeah it must be so hard to have all this money and fans. Interesting fact, Brittany's last songs were all about how she's her own independant woman...but they were written and produced by the same people who've been running her for years. It wasn't long before people bagan to realise the truth, that she was full of sh** and that she backed herself into a corner, and being a virgin doesn't help when you're up against the wall...but as we've seen before Brittany has no problem having her back up against anything.

So now you may be asking: If pop music was so stupid why was it the only thing around back in the nineties. Good question. Like I said before pop music was the one genre where the record company executives could have all the control over every aspect...the same way TV execs like reality shows. While there's no denying that there were a few rock bands back then they were mostly crap rock bands that enfroced the satan-worshiping stereotype. In other words crap rock. Bands like Limp Bizkit, Korn among others. There was also pop rock wich was like crap rock only for skaters. These were the Blink182's, The Creeds, The Offspring's everything that would be appropriate to play at teen award shows and Nickelodean TV specials. So what did save music as we know it? Canada.

I kid you not. In a time where there seemed no way out there emerged a new idea from a small Vancouver rock radio station. The idea was called "SEEDZ" and in "SEEDZ" young garage bands would send in demo tapes and the radio DJ's would pick the top three and send them to Canadian music companies. Guess who the first "SEEDZ" winners were? Nickleback, that's right: Spiderman soundtrack, NHL 2002 playoff theme, JUNO, Grammy and Music&video award winners for best album Nickleback. Followed soon by Sum41, Swollen members, Avril Lavinge, Theory of a deadman, New found glory, Bishop, Biff naked and so much more. Rock and rap were re-emerging, not as the drug-using devil-worshipping kind of rock but the kind of rock that delt with real issues, issues teens could relate to. Rock may not sound as happy as pop but that's because it's not supposed to, it's supposed to be a wake-up call to what life really is, and life isn't about mistakenly playing with someones heart.

So pop popped, but like a bursting bubble fragments of it's former self, shards of pop band members formed their own solo groups, wich meant that they needed new images and new sounds. I used to wish that crappy bands would just break up, but as Justin Timberlake and Geri Halliwell have shown us, becareful what you wish for. This time however things were different, the people started thinking for themselves and started listening to those who were actually saying something about the real world, using there God given talents to sing, write a song and play one of the song key instruments...durring the pop erra you wouldn't have thought this possible.

It's not over yet, the record company doesn't like the idea of not being in control and it's trying to kick-start it's reign all over again. Those not who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it...and that would explain American idol's second season. But seeing as how that first chick lost all recognizability after the show ended I don't think we have anything to worry about. So rest easily at night now knowing that the worst is over. But for the record...I always liked Christina over Brittany...and Shakyra over both of them.



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*For the record, musiceans never make good role models.

There are a lot of good teens out there in the world making a real difference. Dissing popular stereotypes of generation Y as being lazy, rebellious do-nothings who's life's ambition seems to be to hassle the elderly. Like the young woman voulentiering at the animal shelter or the students who spend thier summer at space camp; These are the teens that follow their paths and interests, the teens that other teens should be influenced by to become more like them. Yet instead of seeing kids who have made a difference on covers of teen people, we get the lastest teen actor/musician flavour of the month. And it's always the same flavour: Vanilla!

'Ben and Jen are getting married in Africa!' 'Cameron's dating Justin!' Clay would have beaten Kelly!'. If you didn't need the last names of anyone mentioned above, it's clear that we've all heard too much of these overhyped, overexposed and just plain over teens we're supposed to care about. I understand how it's getting harder and harder to ignore them, but that's not an excuse to just give into the hype.
Take my annual upchucking otherwise known as the MTV music and video awards. A packed theatre filled to the rim with celebrity cardboard cutouts that look good with their hair up, mixed with the ear-bursting noise of screaming pre-pubesent teenage girls. The people in the audience must either be really stupid or really good actors to go along with the scam that the people on stage are somehow better than they are...then again maybe the rich and famous are better, they seem to know how to command an army of idiots.*

And who better to be the new leader of the idiots than Ashton Kutcher. Are you as fed up with this Kramer for the kiddies as I am? I won't even try to figure out how his acting equivelant of doodling to the artworld has landed him a spot as this year's overly emphasized flash-in-the-pan; I mean sure he's had good exposure in both TV and movies where he's shown-off the range of his talents: He's an original cast member on 'That 70's show" where he plays an idiot, he started in "Dude, where's my car?" where he played an idiot, and he co-stared in a movie with Brittany Murphy where he played an idiot and he's now co-starring in a movie with Tara Reid where he plays a clutz...who's kinda dumb. Yeah I guess I can see why he's so lovable, he seems to be sticking up for the minority of idiots who until now, never got their voices heard by a genuine moron on TV.

And what could be worse than the relationships we hear so much of? It almost makes me wish that the two stars mentioned were actually in love with each other so that when they decide to breakup, one of them would be devistated and suicidal. Anyone who think famous love is the same as real love is sadly mistaken. It was no coincidence that Brittay Spears and Justin Timberlake "fell in love" after hordes of screaming idi-I mean fans wouldn't shut up about how great it would be if the two of them got together. Those aren't relationships you see between Ashton Kutcher and that walking wax-model Demi Moore, or the one between Cameron Diaz and the even more efemenine Justin Timberlake. That's not love, they're just co-starring in a publicity stunt meant to give them hype in between movies. The peering into the private lives of people we shouldnt' care about has been spun around so much, it's starting to endanger the future of the world: How can we teens expect to be good leaders of the future when we accuse CNN of fabricating news but seem to believe the bond between Kid Rock and Pamala Anderson is honest and true?

Nothing happens by chance in the world of famous teens. When it comes to cheesey teen award shows like the ones we had during this summer, write down the names of all the people mentioned during the 'Apperances by' roll call at the start of the show. Then when an award is being given out, they'll mention the names of three or four people who weren't mentioned in the opening roll call and one who was...it's a safe bet that the only one mentioned in the roll call will win the award. Coincidence that the other nomeniees didn't show up? Not bloody likely, these elaborate wastes of money award shows are used to convince the gullible youth that their opinions matter when really the winner was told weeks in advance that they've won just so they bother to show up. Why else would Jim Carrey attend every award show in a goofy outfit and a skit ready if he didn't already know he'd be winning? If he knew he wouln't win I bet you he'd be a little less rehersed with his acceptance speech.

Like I said: Nothing happens by chance in the world of famous teens. It's all fabricated by the contract holders to put together what what we think should happen. Here's the truth: The puppet masters who control the stings of these stars don't care what you think. To them we're all mindless. They want our money and our attention to make sure that they get rich. And the louder you cheer, the longer you accept, the more you're furthering the negative stereotype of stupid teens.

So stop getting disapointed when an engagement between two stars breaks up, quit cheering the cast of 'Friends' because 'They got you through that tough time in your life' when you've never known real hardship, stop pretending that 'Malcom in the middle' is funny and start being more like the teens who instead of gawking at the stars, reach for them.





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